Fair Fighting or Constructive Communication

In the workplace we have guidelines and techniques for effective decision making. In our relationships we tend not to. Often we will treat our partner worse than a workmate. Fair Fighting or Constructive Communication is a technique that will greatly enhance your relationship if used well.

The following rules or guidelines are suggested where a meeting is to be held around an area of conflict or concern.

Please read them carefully and understand them fully before you start the process.

Make sure that you and others involved have discussed what they mean. Have a meeting just to clarify the process and nothing else.

Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.

Express feelings in words, not actions.

Telling someone directly and honestly how you feel can be a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a "time out" and do something to help yourself feel steadier - take a walk, do some deep breathing, pet the cat, play with the dog, do the dishes - whatever works for you.

Be specific about what is bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on.

Deal with only one issue at a time.

Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the "kitchen sink" effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.

No "hitting below the belt."

Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.

Avoid accusations.

Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel.

Don't generalise. Avoid words like "never" or "always." Such generalisations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.

Avoid "make believe." Exaggerating or inventing a complaint - or your feelings about it - will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.

Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which interpretations may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.

Avoid clamming up. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication.

Establish common ground rules. When parties accept positive common ground rules for managing a conflict, resolution becomes much more likely.

Listening is such a simple act. It requires us to be present, and that takes practice, but we don't have to do anything else.

We don't have to advise, or coach, or sound wise. We just have to be willing to sit there and listen.

Margaret Wheatley

To listen is to continually to give up all expectation and to give our attention, completely and freshly to what is before us,

not really knowing what we will hear or what that will mean.

In the practice of our days, to listen is to lean in softly,with a willingness to be changed by what we hear

Mark Nepo